It's hard to explain, the emotional hangover of everything that is unable to be controlled. Let's start by saying that I don't want to feel this way. Depression is a selfish, lonely place. It is unforgiving. It is random and chaotic.
The thing is, that even if you have suffered from depression, I believe it's different for everyone. So you can say that you understand, and you do to some extent--but I've been in this place before, and I don't even understand. Sure, there are things I can pinpoint and say--yes, that's what started all of this again. But the truth of the matter is, I think some of it was just bound to happen eventually.
Everything that happened my last year or so of college is a blur. I find pictures and can't remember what was going on in them. Blame the depression. Blame the surgery. Blame the enormous amounts of antidepressants that I was taking. Either way, everything was a big deal, and everything was about me. And this is my depression. I get very short with you. I take everything negatively, even if you don't mean it to be. I don't want to be alone but I forget how to be social. There's this bubble, you see, around me. And it's like I can see out, but no one can see in.
I refuse to go back on any kind of drug. I'll get through it. I think that the fact that I can see what is happening is a positive this time. This is not the person I want to be. And part of me thinks that it isn't me. I am stronger and better than this.
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