Can't get out from under a sky that's falling.

It's strange how sometimes we don't remember specific things, but rather, the feeling of them. After I went through all the surgery, I couldn't remember anything. It was as if I month of my life came and went and I didn't have any say in it at all. I can remember, though, the feeling of the big blue reclining chair that I sat in all those days. I can remember the way it felt to have my mom sitting right beside me, holding me as I sat numb to everything that had happened. I hear stories now about things that happened in that month and I react with a "Really?". I know people came to visit me. I know that my mom had to call my friends to come over to babysit me while my dad and her went out to dinner. I was nineteen. And as cheesy as it may be, I remember the feeling that all I wanted was to dance to the new Britney Spears album and I couldn't.

The scar will not ever go away. No one loses a month of their life and isn't forever changed. And it's frightening that most of the people in my life, aside from my family, didn't know me before the "L" shaped line that now sits on the front right of my head.

I remember the feeling of walking through an apartment that had been violated. And I can't believe that it was almost a year ago. I remember the feeling of holding a 12 hour old baby. I remember the feeling of being in that small, small apartment, lying on the ground and just letting myself cry. Because I needed to. I remember the feeling of him waking up and putting on his shoes. And I can almost remember the sound of the laces. I can remember what it felt like to have his arms around me in the morning, even when I am completely alone. More than that, I can remember the feeling of knowing that it was time for me to be alone, and that it was really wasn't all that scary.

I am a firm believer that we learn something new everyday, as cliche as that sounds. I can remember an acting teacher telling me "no action without purpose" and I see now how this applies to everything. Every conversation, every touch, every smile, every tear. There is a purpose behind all of it. And the struggle is finding the purpose, instead of hiding from it.