Happy Birthday.

Dear You:
I would like to start by saying that although I have, in the past, thought of you as a bad person, I don't believe that anymore. It's taken a lot for me to be able to say, that no, you were not completely at fault, and yes, I didn't make it all that easy. I honestly believe that you made some terrible choices, but I also believe that I didn't make it easy for you to walk away. I know you tried.

I still believe that what I felt was actually real. You were there for me when everyone else seemed to be too busy, too tired of hearing about it, too worried to actually care. Those phone calls and comments meant the world to me. I don't know how I even got through it.

I also believe that, while you weren't a primary reason for me moving here, I would still be living with my parents if you and me hadn't been a factor, and for that, I say thank you. I love my life now. The people I have met. The school that I am actually working through. My life that I lead. I adore it. I am so sure that I am doing the right thing.

And I go back and forth about what exactly to do. I feel like I'm missing out on something by not talking to you. I miss the remarks about my away messages. And I miss, of all things, your voicemail. It just always made me smile. And everyday, I think, what if I just bit the bullet and said hello? Would that be so wrong?

I'm scared it would be though. I gave so much of myself. More than I care to actually say. And I can't get it back. I trusted you more than anyone and I feel like I was hoaxed. At the same time though, I want to run into you somewhere, but I'm scared to death that I actually might.

Maybe one day, I'll actually be able to tell you this is person. I guess it's just important for me to tell you that I do care. I'm not sure that feeling will ever go away. I don't hate you. You were there for a reason. You got me through what I needed at the time, and I hope that somewhere along the way, you learned something as well.

I feel like all of this is just hitting me now, six months later. Which is strange. Here I was thinking I was fine, but somehow, I'm just not. I guess I just want to know that you think of me every once in a while, without rolling your eyes too much. And that, maybe, you smile when you think of me.

xoxo
K.