I could not follow

Thursday, December 07, 2006

I'm back where I started from. About three and a half years ago, I moved to Brooklyn. Empty pockets. Stars in my eyes. Nothing could go wrong. I was living in a situation that had made me numb to everything and I packed up one day and left. When I got to Brooklyn, I realized that the only people I knew there were not going to come all the way to Brooklyn to see me. They were people I didn't know all that well. People who really didn't care about me.
I made my way. I met people. I hung on to some along the way and just let others out to find their own way. I reconnected with old friends. Old enemies. Made things right only to make them messy again. This is my choice. I have a right to say who I want to share my time with. My theory for the last two years has been if you want to hang out with me, call me. If you don't, then don't. And I'll do the same.
This year has had so many ups and downs though. I'm dizzy. I packed up again last week. Back to Brooklyn. I found a picture from my birthday party last February. There's only one person in it who I keep in touch with. Him and two others who were not in the picture.
So how do people do it? How do friendships survive love, heartbreak, sickness, wealth? I see these groups of friends out every weekend and just wonder how it happens. Do they really know eachother? I've never had that. I've never been part of a group. Busy schedules and friends of my friends get in the way. When does it all become not worth it? One of the closest people in the world to me tells me that I have had some of the worst friends in the world. And I have to agree. I'm the queen of getting shit on. Fucked over. Ignored.
So here I am. Back in Brooklyn. My own space. And plenty of it. Mostly alone. Aside from my 93 friends on Myspace. 89 of whom don't even know me. 90 of whom will never come to visit.