Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

I don't want to be sad. I have come to understand that happiness is a choice. An effort. And I try everyday. And I am, for the most part, happy. Happier than last year, or even five years ago.
So when I sat down on this night, I was fine. But it's amazing how fast one little thing can just throw you for a loop. And this is the first thing I thought to do. I could sit and cry about it, or I could just get it out. The old me would have cried a lot, eaten a shitload of cookies, and fallen asleep only to wake up the next morning with a stomachache and another bruise on my heart.
I was watching someone accept an award and it reminded me of you. I haven't thought of you in while. Like a week. And there it was. All of the attempts that I have made. The phone calls, the emails unanswered. And I still don't think it will go away. I wonder if it's just the fact that I never got to ask you what happened. Even when I could call you a friend, there was a million other guys. And it always came back to you. My obsessiveness about others were only a cover-up for my feelings for you. And I don't think we will ever talk again.
I wonder about your career--whether or not you are around here somewhere at one point or another. I wonder about your relationship--and I honestly can say that I hope that you are really happy, I wouln't want anything else. I wonder where you are living--and if you wonder where I am living. Hell, I wonder what you are doing right now, at 8:39 p.m. on Sunday, November 18. I wonder if I'll ever be able to let go of the fact that I believe that we don't talk because of something that was my fault. If I will ever let myself be forgiven for that night.
I look for you. In other's voices, gestures. I want you to know that you were perfect to me. You were what I always thought I would end up with. And even after everything, a year later, I still think of you that way. Perfectly.