I've been wrong but I've been changing.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Somewhere between Dallas and Washington, D.C., I realized that I had lost him. I cant place it on a map, although Im sure he could if asked. With the sound of Michelle and Jessica in my ears, echoing lyrics of smoking, casual sex, and lost real love, I found myself staring out the window, staring at the clouds, wondering how I had ended up feeling about as small as the houses below me. During the course of our relationship, I remember telling people that he was the only person who had ever made me feel beautiful. So how much was wasted when it comes down to it? How many movies will I never be able to watch again? How many bottles of wine, smiles while glancing sideways, how many hands on the small of my back before I realized that he was bluffing?
The truth is, we can never be trusted alone together again. It could be an agreement between the two of them or a decision made on his own, but one thing is sure: for someone so completely (self-described) out of shape, he sure can run away fast. So I get it. And Im not saying that I give up completely. But Im not saying that Ill wait around and cross my fingers in the meantime. Its just not me anymore. I refuse to be that girl ever again.