Save that mirror for yourself

Monday, October 08, 2007

I've been thinking about a year ago a lot. What I was doing for work. What I was doing for fun. Where I was. Who I was with. I was enjoying the working part, but I knew that it would be temporary. It wasn't like there was another position to move up to. I was the only employee. This was really the only thing that I was truly happy about. After losing a lot, I decided it was time to gain more. I left my life and started a new one. And things have been good. It almost seemed like too easy of a transition. It was effortless for me to make friends here, I got to perform and there was this one boy who made me smile a lot. But shortly after I said the words "I'm moving to CT", he moved on to someone else. The performing ended. And I weeded through all these relationships to find the ones that I knew were good for me. So life is good. I feel like your twenties is really the time to be exploring everything. But there's something missing.
I'm near panic attack writing this next sentence, which is why I know it has to be done. I'm going to be 27 in four months and I've never been anything but single. Now, I want to put in a little disclaimer here: all you that are tempted to write me comments at the bottom of this, I don't want to hear any of the "oh, it will happen when it's supposed to" or "27 isn't that old" or "well, why not? maybe it's something YOU'RE doing wrong". Anyone can say these things and no one wants to hear them. So there.
What I will say is this. I feel like I'm missing part of my soul by never being able to give myself to someone completely. And I don't mean physically. I mean, letting someone know me better than all of my family and friends combined. And until you are single for 27 years, I'm not sure that you can truly understand what that feels like.
I hear voices say, not until you know yourself. I hear my friends say, stop wanting it so bad and it will come. But I see the world around me and know that there is, actually, a possiblity that it won't happen. That maybe it just isn't for me.
This isn't a pity party. I don't feel bad for me. I've had 3 false starts at relationships in 8 months, and I think that's enough for this year. So I'm focusing on me. I threw out my cable. I'm giving up meat (both kinds. ha.). And the only vices that I'm leaving for myself are ice cream and perez hilton. The rest of my 26th year will be an exploration of myself.